


Where I Should Be

by captainsftlouis



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Harry, Bisexual Louis, Bottom Louis, Cheating, F/M, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mutual Pining, Sexual Tension, more sex tags to come
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-12-22
Packaged: 2020-01-25 17:51:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 19,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18579550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainsftlouis/pseuds/captainsftlouis
Summary: "Louis smiled, nodding at Harry, encouraging him [...].Harry’s eyes were bright and his smile warm, and he winked at Louis before turning towards their friends.“We’re engaged!” Harry exclaimed.Loud cheers immediately filled the restaurant, and Louis laughed when he recognized Charlie’s very distinctive shrieking voice yelling an eloquent, what the fuck. He joined the clapping as everyone started to gather around the couple, but he stopped mid-clap when he actually turned his gaze towards Harry.Louis watched as Harry picked Amara up and spun her around, kissing her into oblivion, and over the cheering, he heard one part of his heart break with a thundering sound."---Or, the affair AU where Harry is getting married, Louis is in love with his best friend, and they only have this life to get it right.





	1. you're making me bleed

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone, I'm back!
> 
> I haven't been writing this one for too long to be honest, but it's one of my favorite fic I've written so far for this fandom, so I hope you guys like it as much as I do.
> 
> I just wanted to give a quick shout out to Andy for supporting me and always cheering me on and hyping up the snippets I send them - they're a gem, I'm so happy I get to have them in my life.
> 
> If you liked the fic, you can reblog the [tumblr post](https://howtogetawaywithlouis.tumblr.com/post/184418786481/where-i-should-be-by-howtogetawaywithlouis-on), RT the [tweet](https://twitter.com/captainsftlouis/status/1121145718243246080), and also tell me in the comments, it would mean the world to me!
> 
> Title is from: [Woman - Harry styles](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xS1Gz7nMV0Q)

The thing with Best Friends Netflix Night, much to Louis’s dismay, was that no matter how many times he and Harry argued about what they were going to watch, no matter how long Louis pleaded, no matter how much he batted his eyelashes, they would always end up watching Friends reruns.

And not that he didn’t like it, mind you. But there was a difference between watching Friends, and watching Friends with Harry Styles. The difference being the big idiot sitting next to him delivering each one of the lines right before they were said and literally spoiling the fun for Louis.

Sighing, Louis let himself fall down on the couch, mumbling under his breath and already undoing his belt to be more comfortable for this very long evening. If it hadn’t been a week since he had last seen Harry, he definitely wouldn’t have agreed to this, be sure of that.

Harry walked back into the room with the bowl of pop corn, a winning smile on his face. Louis wanted to slap him.

Maybe kiss him a little.

“Stop pouting, you big child,” Harry teased, taking place next to Louis. “You love it as much as I do." 

“Whatever, Styles, you’re annoying” Louis grumbled, only half joking. “Hand over that beer, would you?”

Harry did, and then turned on the TV, getting comfortable on the sofa. His arm came instinctively around Louis’s shoulders. Louis smiled almost reluctantly, bringing his legs up and shuffling in closer.

“How was work today?” he asked, absently digging in the bowl of pop corn sat in Harry’s lap.

Louis felt him shrug, making his head bounce a little on Harry’s chest.

“Went pretty good to be honest. They asked me to do a presentation for a big hotel company; they’re looking to build one in the area.”

Louis smile and slapped at Harry’s belly.

“Congrats, that’s great news, H.”

Harry arms tightened around his shoulder for a brief second and even though Louis couldn’t see his face, he knew Harry was looking very satisfied with himself.

Harry worked as an architect for one of the biggest firm in the city, and if someone had to know how much it meant that this responsibility was given to him, it definitely was Louis. He couldn’t remember the number of sleepless nights Harry had spent studying extra for his classes, having started architect school after dropping out of college. Louis would always stay over at his during this period, making sure that Harry wouldn’t forget to shower and feed himself. It was wild.

He deserved it.

“How about you, love? What’s new with that kid you caught smoking weed in the bathroom?” Harry asked with a laugh, his hand stroking along Louis’s arm.

Louis snorted.

“Yeah, I had to call his mom, the little shit. Met with her yesterday, it was pretty funny. But oh,” he panted, slapping at Harry’s belly again, “we had a conference about drugs on Thursday and there was a really hot cop who came in to talk to the kids. He bought a cup of coffee from the vending machine.”

Harry faked a shocking gasp, pulling away to stare down at Louis with a stern expression.

“Lewis, how many times will I have to tell you? High school isn’t a speed dating center!”

Louis chuckled, shaking his head. He opened his mouth to tell Harry about Jake and how he had come to meet Louis after the conference, handing over a cup of coffee along with his number, and asking Louis out for lunch, but Harry took the wind out of the sails.

“Louis,” he started, clearing his throat.

Louis immediately sat up, frowning. He knew Harry enough to sense that this throat clearing thing never happened unless something either heart-wrenching or incredibly wonderful was about to be announced.

“What?” he said, seeking out  clues in Harry’s eyes.

The green in them was filled was excitement, sure, but also something apprehensive and a bit scared. It was pretty confusing and Louis wasn’t really liking it, so far.

“Okay, I have something important I need to tell you.”

Harry sat up straighter, turning so he was facing Louis completely. He offered Louis a hesitant smile and reached out for his hand, squeezing.

“Kind of freaking me out, here, H, I’m not going to lie”, Louis laughed nervously.

Harry smiled reassuringly. 

“Okay, I’m just going to say it. Ready?” 

Louis rolled his eyes back, sighing with exasperation.

“I was ready yesterday, just spit it out!” 

Harry took a deep breath, looking deeply into his eyes, and Louis swore he could feel his heart jumping around his chest. 

“Amara and I, we’re going to- we’re engaged.” 

Louis didn’t know if one day he would be able to compare the moment that followed the statement with anything he’d ever experienced. His ears were ringing, so loud that he could barely make out what Rachel and Ross were arguing about. His eyes were fixed on Harry’s flustered face, his beautiful traits that Louis normally knew by heart suddenly looking so unfamiliar.

“Louis?”

Abruptly, all the noise came back, the faint laughing sounds of Friends becoming impossibly loud. Louis blinked in surprise. He felt his lips detach themselves to form a surprised ‘oh’, and he was pretty sure he looked like a gaping fish fighting for air. 

He sure felt like it.

“Oh… Oh my God, Harry,” he gasped, realizing that looking like a dying animal was not the reaction someone should have upon hearing about his best friend’s engagement. “That’s... Wow, congratulations,” he stammered, throwing his arms out to wrap them around Harry.

He felt Harry’s breath tickle his ear as he laughed lowly, embracing Louis back.

“I know, I know, it’s crazy." 

Louis backed away from the hug, still bewildered by the news. He still tried to smile though, as he asked, “How did it happen? I had no idea you wanted to propose.” 

Harry was still grinning, leaning back against the couch. He combed his short curls with his long nail-painted fingers, and for a brief second, Louis unconsciously let himself be distracted by the motion.

“I didn’t, actually. I don’t know, we were getting coffee at Albert’s and she just mentioned that she couldn’t wait for us to get married so she could finally make flower arrangements that she actually liked, you know?” 

Louis snorted. Yeah, he knew. Everyone knew of Amara’s whiny rants about people not knowing what flowers meant anymore and forcing her to make absolutely insulting arrangements for their weddings.

“So I told her that I loved her romantic arrangements and I couldn’t wait as well, and,” Harry stopped, shrugging and passing his hand in his hair again, as if he didn’t quite believe it himself, “and then she told me, ‘Why don’t we do it, then? Let’s get married,” and I laughed and I said yes.” 

Louis felt his eyebrows rise against his will and he cursed himself as he caught the moment Harry saw him do it. 

“Okay, save it, I can see your judgment from here,” Harry said with an ounce of bitterness in his voice. 

“Oh my God, no Harry,” Louis rushed, getting closer to him and grabbing his hand. “I’m sorry, love, I’m just surprised is all. You guys just moved in with each other, I didn’t expect it to go so fast.” 

Harry sighed and intertwined their fingers, looking down at their hands. 

“Yeah I know, but I feel like it’s the next step in our relationship and I don’t know why we should wait to do it, you know? We love each other, so it makes sense,” he explained, but as he spoke, Louis felt the hint of uncertainty behind the words, as if Harry wasn’t telling him, but asking him.

Louis sighed. His friend needed comfort and reassurance and here he was, being an unsupportive dick.

“It does make sense, H,” he said, leaning in to kiss Harry on the cheek. “I’m so happy for you.”

“Yeah?” Harry asked, a smile slowly creeping back onto his face. “Happy enough to be my best man?”

Louis scoffed, settling back against his chest and leaving a well deserved slap on Harry’s belly.

“I’m offended you didn’t ask me sooner, you dick.”

Harry laughed and wrapped both of his arms around Louis, hugging him tightly. 

“Love you.”

“Love you too, H.” 

\--

The first time Louis had met Harry, they were both nineteen and they had been attending college for a year already. Louis was studying French literature and linguistics, and not to brag, but he was doing amazing. At the top of his class, taking extra classes and always handing out essays that were not asked of him just to get extra credit.

What could he say? He loved French way too much, and there was no shame in that. 

Especially as his good grades had been what brought Harry into his life. 

It was a Thursday afternoon, he remembered, when his phonetics professor had taken him aside, wondering if he was okay for tutoring one more student before the Christmas midterms, a few weeks later.

Louis had hesitated, already swamped with work. But he also wanted to be a teacher, so he figured that he could let go of one of his options to do more tutoring - it would have probably been more helpful to him in the future than French medieval studies.

So he agreed, and the day after, he had met with Harry under an oak tree in the university’s botanical garden.

As he was approaching, Louis’s first thought had been that, shit, that dude was tall. Louis always knew that he himself was considered as a small man, and he never minded that much, but as Harry had made his way up to him, bright smile plastered on a perfect face, wild curls coming out under his green cap, Louis had never felt more self conscious about his short height.

“Hi, ‘m Harry,” Harry had said once he was stood in front of Louis.

Harry was tall, and pretty, and by the looks of it, he seemed to know it too damn well, for his drawling voice had the cockiest tone Louis had ever heard in his life.

He was pretty sure he got a tiny bit hard at the sound of it, back then. 

They had sat under the tree and had been working for half an hour when Louis had slammed his phonetics book shut and given Harry a stern look. 

“Right, so what’s the deal? You’re obviously okay in phonetics, why do you need my help?” 

Harry had smiled bashfully and Louis remembered the light pink that had dusted over his smooth cheeks. He remembered how it had made him blush in return.

“Sorry, yeah, you got me there,” Harry had admitted, taking off his cap and running a hand through his curls.

Louis had gotten distracted by the color of it, like a shiny kind of milk chocolate that turned into caramel locks where the sun was hitting it.

“I’m not majoring in French,” Harry had explained. “I’m actually studying biology and French phonetics is only an optional subject, in which I’m doing great, as you can see,” he had laughed, nudging at Louis with his knee.

Confused, Louis had stared at him, still a bit distracted by the general etherealness of the Hot Guy who was sat next to him, with his longs legs spread out in front of him.

“I’d seen you in the halls and I didn’t know how to approach you, so I lied to your teacher so I could spend some time with you. I’m sorry, I know that’s creepy to hear,” Harry has apologized, not looking sorry at all.

Louis had gasped, shocked and kind of outraged too. Had he just met his very own stalker?

“Yeah, it is,” he had mumbled, starting to gather around his books.

What had he gotten himself into? Couldn’t he have just said no to Mr. Dujardin? He would have been in medieval studies by now, and not on the verge of being kidnapped by a hot stranger.

“I’m going to go, now.”

Harry had stumbled behind him as he was making his way out of the park. Louis remembered as he had grabbed Louis’s arm and had apologized profusely. He remembered laughing inside, because even though Harry’s way had been questionable, here he was, in a park in the middle of the afternoon, with a gorgeous boy begging him to stay so they could get to know each other.

“Yeah, okay, okay, Harry, stop talking,” he had cut Harry off, “Let’s sit over here shall we? I’m willing to give you another chance, but this time, be honest,” he had added teasingly.

So they had gone to sit on a bench, and properly introduced each other. Harry was a biology student, he was in a frat and he aspired to become a great scientist, at the time. They had talked about his job at the local library and how he loved reading French literature, to Louis’s happiness.

After a while, though, Harry had thrown his arm over the bench behind Louis’s back, having gotten really close to him. And not that Louis was unhappy about that - if he hadn’t stressed this enough, Harry was fucking beautiful and he was definitely attracted to him, even more so now that they had talked about everything and nothing for the major part of the afternoon.

But Louis was obsessed with school, at the time. He really wanted to graduate at the top of his classes, and he had so much going on in his life, that he hadn’t felt like it was the right time for him to start canoodling with pretty boys in the park.

So he had gently turned Harry down when he was asked to have dinner together. He remembered the slight disappointment in Harry’s features, but it had quickly gone away as he had reached his hand out to Louis, wiggling his pinkie with a playful smirk on his face.

“Friends, though?”

Louis had giggled, shaking his head at Harry’s childlike gesture.

“Friends,” he had answered, hooking up his own finger with Harry’s.

\--

Louis arrived at the party one hour after it had started. He rushed out of the cab, generously tipping the driver. Trying not to drop all his bags heavy with a ton of French copies to grade, he stumbled into the restaurant, out of breath.

“Louis!” he heard someone shout, and through the small crowd, his eyes found Charlie’s grey ones. “About time you showed up, where were you?” the woman asked with a warm smile, pulling him into a quick hug.

“Sorry, got caught up at work,” he apologized. “How are you?”

“I’m good, it’s so great to see you,” Charlie said, running her milky white hand through her bright red hair. “We have to meet for lunch this week, while I’m still in town. Just the two of us, I don’t wanna share you with Harry this time,” she joked, nodding in the direction of bar, where Louis guessed his friend was at.

“Of course, love, missed you too.”

Louis gestured towards the bar where he could now see Harry’s broad figure loom through the bright spotlight and said, “Gonna head over there to say hi, catch up with you later.”

Charlie nodded and Louis took it as his cue to join Harry where he was sat talking to the bartender, his arm loosely hanging around a tall girl’s shoulder sitting next to him.

“Hey guys,” Louis smiled, pinching at Harry’s side to get his attention.

Harry’s eyes left the bartender for a second, before going back to him, but then he did a double take at Louis and his face split into a grin. Harry immediately threw his big arms around his waist, engulfing Louis in a warm hug.

“Finally,” Harry whispered in Louis’s hair, nails scratching at his ribs the way he knows Louis loved to hate.

Louis felt his inside flutter, almost wanting to purr at the attention.

He knew how much Harry didn’t like social event when he wasn’t here. Of course, given his line of work, Harry appeared to be an easy going guy, with a nice smile and a lot of charm. But when it came to gatherings outside of work, it didn’t take too much time to realize that Harry needed someone to do the entertaining for him, to take the lead and shine alongside him.

And Louis was extremely happy – and relieved – to know that after all this time, even now that Harry had a fiancée, he still was that person Harry needed to be with.

“Hi, Louis,” he heard a voice drawl behind Harry, and the pair detached itself to face the Asian girl that was still sitting at the bar, sipping at what appeared to be a vodka tonic.

She was wearing a navy blue dress, shining with sequins, and her long hair was held up in a tight bun. Louis was glad she was sitting down, he hated how much taller she was when they were standing up next to each other.

“Hey, Amara,” Louis smiled politely, going over to give a quick one-armed hug to the girl. “You look great.”

“Thanks,” she chirped with a tiny, forced smile, crinkles appearing in the corner of her eyes.

Louis had never wanted to eye roll so hard in his life. Amara had never had crinkles by her eyes; he could swear it under oath. It was a thing she had actually just been trying recently ever since – and Louis was sure of it – Charlie complimented on Louis’s own crinkly-eyed-smile.

“Glad you finally showed up, we were actually going to announce the news without you,” Amara said nonchalantly, standing and walking past him to wrap her arm that wasn’t holding her glass around Harry’s middle.

Harry let out a breathy laugh and pulled her closer to bury his nose in her jet black hair. “No we weren’t,” he mumbled with a smile.

His eyes met Louis’s and he winked, visibly checking if Louis believed him. Louis smiled in return and winked back.

He was full time eye rolling inside his brain, though. Amara truly was the most obnoxious girlfriend Harry’s ever had – and there had been a few of those.

“You guys go ahead a do it, just gotta drop my bags, shit’s heavy as fuck,” he told them, lifting up one of his bags with a grimace.

“Here, let me help you,” Harry suggested immediately, and he grabbed two of the parcels in one hand, waving at Amara and ushering Louis towards the opposite end of the bar.

Louis frowned but said nothing, instead choosing to silently cheer at Amara’s eyebrow jerking upon Harry’s attitude. As they made their way to the lockers, Louis couldn’t help but notice Harry’s own facial twitches and his uneasy look.

“You okay?” Louis asked once they’d locked his belongings into the lockers.

Harry sighed and shrugged, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“Dunno,” he muttered. “Seems pretty big, doesn’t it?”

Louis sighed and reached for Harry’s shoulder, rubbing up and down his arm.

“Yeah, kinda. Getting cold feet already?” he asked, only half joking.

“Nah,” Harry said with low chuckle, stepping closer so Louis could hear him. “’S just… Everyone is here, you know? Most of our friends, and there’s Charlie as well. You know how she gets when someone talks about weddings. Don’t want to imagine how she’s going to react to her little brother getting hitched,” he laughed again, and this time Louis joined him.

“It’s going to be fine, H,” he says softly, before sighing and pulling Harry into a tight hug. “I’ll be right here next to you, you can count on me to create a diversion if you think things aren’t going well. Just say the word, yeah?”

Harry laughed in his ear and his hand came instinctively to tickle Louis’s ribs.

“Harry, come on,” Louis yelped, faking to be outraged, and he slapped at Harry chest playfully.

Harry’s grin only grew wider as he caught Louis’s wrist in his freakishly big hand, squeezing just enough to send a shiver down Louis’s spine.

His smile had just started to freeze when Amara’s voice suddenly came to their ears, making them both jump out of surprise.

“Harry? You good to go?”

They both coughed to regain countenance, and Harry offered a small smile to Louis, who gave him an encouraging nod, mouthing something like ‘just say the word’.

Harry grabbed onto the hand Amara was presenting to him and she led him back to the bar, Louis on their heels.

Harry took Amara’s empty glass of vodka to cling his keys onto. All pair of eyes turned to them, and Louis watched as Harry shuddered under the attention.

He brought his attention back to the crowd and recognized a few faces, among which Steve and James, two of Harry’s co-workers they were both friends with, and Charlie, Harry’s older sister. Even though he definitely could also see one of Harry’s friends from the gym, Louis couldn’t help but notice that most of people here were probably Amara’s friends more than Harry’s.

He shrugged it off as Harry started to speak.

“Thank you so much for being here tonight, everyone. So, as some of you may already suspect it, Amara and I didn’t organized this little party just because we missed seeing your faces,” he joked, and he was responded with a rumble of laugh coming from the crowd. “We actually invited you guys here because we have something to announce.”

Louis winced at Harry’s voice seemed to falter at the end of the sentence. He searched for Harry’s eyes in the hopes of getting a glimpse of what he was feeling, and right on cue, Harry’s green irises met his, filled with flaming worry and panic.

Louis took this as an invitation and coughed loudly, stepping forward so that everyone could more or less see him. The audience’s attention shifted from Harry to him as he hopped on one of the bar stools and started to drum roll on the bar.

A surprised bark of laughter came out of the crowd and Louis smiled, nodding at Harry, encouraging him to keep going.

Harry’s eyes were bright and his smile warm, and he winked at Louis before turning towards their friends.

“We’re engaged!” Harry exclaimed.

Loud cheers immediately filled the restaurant, and Louis laughed when he recognized Charlie’s very distinctive shrieking voice yelling an eloquent, what the fuck. He joined the clapping as everyone started to gather around the couple, but he stopped mid-clap when he actually turned his gaze towards Harry.

Louis watched as Harry picked Amara up and spun her around, kissing her into oblivion, and over the cheering, he heard one part of his heart break with a thundering sound.

\--

They had been friends for over a year when Louis first told Harry he was bisexual.

He had left his last class of the day in a hurry, the realization coming to him like a slap in the face after he’d spent the hour staring at Eli Stanley’s tits and it had made him achingly hard.

Louis remembers feeling incredibly self conscious as he had strode across the campus, his bag strategically placed in front of his crotch, wanting to see Harry as soon as possible.

Harry was in his dorm room, taking a break from his homework and smoking by the window, in boxer shorts and a tank top. Seeing the expand of skin before him made Louis want to scream because he was definitely attracted to that – which was no news – but then what did it mean that he just drooled over a pair a boobs for the first time in his twenty years of life.

“Hey, Lou,” Harry had smiled, getting rid of the bud of cigarette because he knew Louis hated the smell. “What’s up?”

“I don’t know what’s up, Harry,” Louis had snapped in return, throwing his bag on Harry’s desk and throwing himself on his bed.

He’d buried his face in Harry’s pillow, and after inhaling the musky smell, had screamed with all the voice he had left.

“What the fuck”, he’d heard Harry laugh behind him before joining him on the bed. “You had a bad day?”

“Stop asking me questions,” Louis had mumbled, blindly trying to reach Harry’s crotch to hit him in the balls.

Another laugh was what Harry had offered him, grabbing his wrist and drawing small circles on his palm – some shit he’d heard in his yoga class about how it was good for stress. Whatever. 

“It’s okay if you don’t wanna talk about it. But I assume you do if you came all the over here to scream at my pillow,” Harry had commented soothingly.

Louis had kind of wanted to hug him, but he was pretty sure his boner hadn’t entirely gone down – thank you Harry for that stupid hand massage and all the nakedness - so he wasn’t going to take the risk of accidently rubbing one off on his best friend.

“I just- something weird happened in my literature class and I don’t know why,” he had tried, turning his face to Harry, laying it on the pillow.

“Yeah?” Harry encouraged him, lacing their fingers together. “What happened? Got a B-?”

This time, Louis had actually hit him in the balls, the best he could with their hands tied. Harry had chuckled, shying away without letting go.

“No,” Louis had muttered. “I think I like girls, too.”

Louis remembers feeling Harry’s hand tightening around his before he heard the sharp inhale Harry had taken upon hearing him. His eyes had doubled in size and Louis was sure he could’ve put a whole apple in his mouth with how wide it was open.

“You what?”

“I like girls,” Louis had repeated, sitting up with a frustrated sigh. “I mean I think so. I just spent an annoying amount of time staring at some girl’s tits, and it got me hard and all the way up here it wouldn’t go down because I had the image of coming on them printed in my brain.”

“Oh my God,” Harry had whispered, still gaping like a bloody fish, staring at Louis like he was an alien. “But how? I thought you broke up with your first girlfriend because you realized you were gay.”

Louis had sighed and shrugged, falling back on the bed, this time on his back. Staring at the fluorescent stars Harry had stuck on the ceiling, he’d bit his lip.

“I don’t know. Maybe I just didn’t like her anymore.”

“Hey,” Harry had then said, squeezing his hand before letting it go, choosing to lie next to Louis instead. “You know it’s okay, right? I don’t see where the big deal is, here. Boobs are pretty great.”

Louis had shrugged again.

“I guess. I just never thought I would still be realizing stuff at 20.”

Harry had snorted at that. “Yeah? You had a five second fantasy about one girl and you’re already realizing stuff? Boy, you work quick!”

Louis had laugh, playfully hitting Harry in the chest.

“No, I meant like… Realizing that things are not set in stone, you know?” he had after a few minutes of quiet laughter. “Even something I was so sure of. Like, yeah, maybe it was only one girl and maybe I won’t ever experience something like that ever again. But it still happened when I thought I would never.”

Harry had propped himself up on his elbow so that their eyes could meet more easily. There had been something in his eyes that Louis had never seen before, something deep and caring. He had loved it the second he saw it.

“It really is no big deal. If you like girls too, I mean. You don’t have to like, pick one. It’s chill.”

“Yeah?”

“Mmh,” Harry had nodded with a tiny smile. “Love you anyway.”

Louis had felt things in his stomach at that moment. Not really butterflies, but definitely some wild insects trying to rip his belly open get out of it, and as alarming as it sounded, it was actually quite pleasant.

Warm.

\--

Louis smiled down at his phone, flushing at the text he had received an hour ago, a simple ‘you look sexy in red’ Jake had replied after Louis had sent him a picture of him that morning.

Louis bit his lip, gathering his books from his desk and heading out of his classroom, locking it behind him. He eyed his phone again to check on the time. He and Harry were to have lunch with Steve and James in half an hour, and he was probably going to be late.

He only hesitated for a second before going back to his conversation with Jake and sent ‘Wanna grab lunch with me and my friend in 45mins?’

Jake’s reply came almost instantly, and with a smile, Louis typed out the address of the restaurant they were meeting at. ‘See you there, gorgeous’, he added cheekily, to which Jake replied with a gif of Tom Cruise putting his glasses on.

Louis chuckled and put his cell phone back in his pocket while heading towards his car, a happy flutter buzzing in his stomach.

When he got to the restaurant, a vegan Thai place that was way too expensive for him – Harry obviously chose that one – Steve was already in the booth they had reserved, James sitting on his lap. Both of them were giggling, hands combing each other’s respective hair and beard. Louis jokingly rolled his eyes as he walked up to them.

“Ugh, stop with the PDA, it’s disgusting.”

James stuck his tongue out as the couple stood up to give Louis a one-armed hug.

“You’re just jealous because I have a hot husband and you don’t,” James teased.

Louis shrugged with a dramatic sigh but quickly joined the laughter, taking off his coat and sitting down on the cushions of the booth where the table was. He then looked around with a frown.

“Where is Harry? Wasn’t he supposed to leave work with you guys?”

Steve pointed at something on his left and when Louis followed the motion, he saw Harry pacing around the patio of the restaurant, speaking on the phone. He was frowning, not talking but listening attentively, and every time he would open his mouth to speak, he’d close it again, as if he were being interrupted.

“What’s up with him?” Louis asked, but already knowing the answer to that.

“It’s Amara. They’ve been fighting on the phone all the way up here,” James explained with a stern look. “You know. The usual.”

Louis sighed, nodding knowingly. Amara did have the habit of calling Harry in between working hours to start off shallow arguments. Louis had once considered the possibility that it was some kind of foreplay they both enjoyed, as Harry always answered her calls and always brushed it away when they would ask him about it.

When Harry walked back towards them a few minutes later, he looked upset and tired. He brushed his hair away from his forehead as he took place in the booth next to Louis, letting out a heavy breath.

“Hello back, boys,” he said with a forced smile.

“Y’alright?” Louis asked, although he knew he would only be met by a tight lipped smile and no actual answer.

As expected, Harry only winked reaching out under the table to briefly squeeze Louis’s knee. Louis gave up, focusing instead on the sheerness of Harry’s lilac blouse that was, let’s face it, absolutely inappropriate to wear at work. There was a big satin bow hanging around his neck, for God’s sake. He was also wearing beautiful white jeans that went perfectly with his top, and Louis thought he looked extremely soft with his short milk chocolate curls that kept falling back on his forehead.

“You look good,” Louis offered, and Harry gave him a genuine smile this time, squeezing his knee again, but this time leaving his hand there for a few seconds longer.

“Thanks, babe. Shall we order?” Harry asked, turning towards the other two, only to find them whispering and giggling in each other’s ears with flushed cheeks.

Louis chuckled and shook his head at Harry’s frowning face.

“Go ahead and order, I’ll wait a little, Jake is joining us today,” he informed Harry, checking his phone to see if Jake had said something else.

‘Be there in 5, x'

He smiled, sending back a kissy emoji, and when he looked up again, Harry was watching him a perplexed look.

“Jake?”

Louis smiled, nodding. He poured some water in everyone’s glass and took a sip out of his own.

“Yeah, Jacob. I told you about him, remember,” Louis said. “It’s that cop that came to school the other day for drug prevention week.”

“Oh,” Harry said back, a light of recognition appearing in his eye. “Jacob. Yeah. I didn’t know you were seeing him.”

“Ah, well,” Louis smirked, thinking of the last time he ‘saw’ Jake.

It was at the movies, and they had left in the middle of the film to fool around in the toilets. What a wonderful afternoon that had been, Louis recalled with a dreamy smile. What wonderful fingers did Jake have.

“We’ve only been on one official date, but we’ve hung out a few times the past couple of weeks, if you know what I mean.”

Harry’s eyebrows shot up, almost reaching his hairline.

“Wow. Okay, why am I only hearing about this today?”

He looked a bit hurt, if Louis was being honest with himself. And yeah, okay, maybe Louis had kind of avoided brining Jake back on the table the past few days, but it wasn’t to be mean or anything.

“Sorry, I just didn’t want to steal your thunder,” he explained with an apologetic smile, hoping his half ass explanation would be enough for Harry.

Obviously, it wasn’t.

“What do you mean, stealing my thunder? You thought just because I got engaged, I wouldn’t be happy for you?” Harry asked with a tense voice.

He was visibly trying to appear unbothered and not upset at all, but Louis had known him for almost ten years now. He knew it when Harry was hurt.

“No, babe, it wasn’t like that. It just didn’t come up and then, I don’t know, I guess-”

Louis was interrupted by a gravelly voice coming from behind Harry, and he was met with Jake’s white smile and crinkly eyes.

“Hi.”

They turned to him all at once, Harry having to do a whole 360-degree. Louis swallowed as he watched Jake wave at them awkwardly. He was wearing black jeans and a brown leather jacket over his white shirt, and he hadn’t taken off his sunglasses yet.

Damn, Louis swallowed. Such a snack.

“Hey, Jake,” he smiled widely, poking at Harry’s side so he would let him stand and get out of the booth to great Jake.

Harry reluctantly moved, so much that in the end Louis had to climb over him a little. One he was up, he reached over to bring Jake in a tight hug, but he was surprised to feel instead with a pair of cold lips pecking his.

Which. Well, okay, then.

“Lads, this is Jake, I told you about him the other day,” he coughed, blushing under the raised eyebrows that his friends were giving him. “Jake this is Harry, and that’s Steve and James.”

They briefly shook hands and the boys budged over to let them sit, Louis ending up sitting between Jake and Harry. He took a sharp intake of breath when Jake took off his jacket to reveal his muscled arms.

Focus, Louis.

Jake was silent as Louis and Steve made small talk about a concert they were going to a few weeks from now, and for a moment, Louis thought he could really get used to bring over his dates at lunch with his friends, if they were all as pretty and quiet as Jake.

That is, until they started eating.

“So, Jacob,” Harry said after their plates had been brought to the table, “you’re a cop?” he asked, gesturing to Jake’s badge on his jacket hanging next to him on the chair.

“Yeah, I’m just an officer but I’m hoping to work my way up here,” Jake nodded with a smile. “And you’re an architect, right? Louis has told me so much about you.”

“Sees, that’s funny because Louis hasn’t mentioned you before,” Harry commented and Louis almost choked on his salad.

“He hasn’t?” Jake asked with a teasing voice, but Louis noticed the tense shift in his tone.

“He has,” James jumped in immediately, sensing the change in mood around the table. “He told me about your date at the movies! You guys went to see the new MCU movie, right? How was it?”

Jake smiled and proceeded to tell James about the film, but Louis didn’t even try to listen and instead turned his attention towards Harry, who was eating his salad staring straight ahead, face blank and purposefully avoiding Louis’s eyes.

“Which one is your favorite Marvel, Lou?” Louis distantly heard someone say, and when he turned back towards the other, they were all looking at him expectantly.

“I’m sorry what?”

“Your favorite Marvel,” Steve asked again, lifting an eyebrow to show Louis that he knew something weird was happening.

“Oh, right,” he laughed, digging into his plate, embarrassed. “The Winter Soldier, definitely.”

He heard Jake approve next to him while the other two started going on about how it was the gayest movie in the franchise, and he smiled, happy to see that at least two of his friends were being nice to Jake.

“How about you Harry?” Jakes questioned, probably only to make conversation with Harry, who was still eating in silence like a bloody caveman.

He was met by a half shrug, and then, to Louis’s utter horror, Harry mumbled, “I don’t care about super-hero movies.”

What the hell. Louis knew for a fact that Harry loved super-hero movies. He knew that he loved Marvel comic books and that he indeed, had a favorite Marvel movie, which was Thor Ragnarok. So what the hell was Harry playing at.

“Anyway, I have to go,” Harry said suddenly, dropping his fork in his bowl, making a clanging sound. “Have to make a phone call and then I’m back to work.”

“What?” Steve frowned, confused. “But we haven’t even had desert yet.”

“Yeah, but I really have to leave. Can you guys please move so I can get out?”

Louis didn’t even have time to open his mouth before Jake was standing up, tugging him by his arm so they could let Harry get out of the booth. He stumbled up, a bit lost, and watched his friend gather his stuff.

Harry offered them a two finger salute – which was something he’d never done before – and strode out of the restaurant, leaving Louis, Steve and James gaping at him.

“Louis?” Jake called hesitantly, inviting him to sit back down so they could keep eating.

He was obviously uncomfortable, if the way his eyes were slightly trembling anything to go by.

“Yeah. Um, go ahead and keep eating, I’ll be back in a second.”

Louis left the restaurant in a hurry, not bothering to put on his coat, and found Harry at the corner of the street, tapping on his phone to probably call for an Uber.

“Hey!” Louis called, not even trying to tone down the anger in his voice.

Harry seemed to be startled by the sound and turned around, a surprised expression on his face. Louis quickened his pace until he was stood right in front of Harry’s dumb, handsome face.

“What the hell was that, Harry? He was trying to be nice.”

“We were supposed to see that movie together Louis,” Harry simply said, turning his gaze away.

“Yeah well sorry, we’ll go again, it’s not like we haven’t done that before.”

“It’s not the same,” Harry persisted, still refusing to meet Louis’s eyes and thumbing at his phone instead.

Louis laughed in disbelief and walked closer to him, putting his hands on his own waist. Harry finally looked up and when Louis saw the coldness in the usually warm green eyes he loved so much, he hoped to have adopted an intimidating enough posture.

“Listen, I don’t know what’s wrong with you. I’m sorry if you had another fight with your precious fiancée, but please next time when Amara bites your head off for some petty shit, don’t take it out on the person I’m seeing.”

Harry’s jaw visibly clenched as he looked down on Louis, glaring.

“You shouldn’t talk about things you know nothing about, Louis.”

Louis cringed and he felt his fingers dig in his hips, probably already making bruises.

“You’re a dick,” he spat. 

“At least I don’t cancel on my plans with my friends to please the next pretty face,” Harry retorted.

Louis didn’t have time to protest, because the Uber was there, pulling in front of them. Harry didn’t even give him a last glance before getting into the car, leaving him alone on the sidewalk.

\--

Fighting with Harry had never been something Louis enjoyed doing. He loved having arguments with Steve, for example, and teasing him endlessly until one of them actually got mad and said something actually hurtful, he truly loved it, because when they would make up afterwards, their relationship would’ve grown stronger.

With Harry, things were different. They actually never really fought, since they were both so alike and on the same page; however, when it happened, fighting would never result in adult conversations and learning a lesson from their mistakes. Nope. They were both way too stubborn for that to happen.

Instead, they would avoid each other for days, and when they’d meet again, they’d act as if nothing happened and hug it away, and there went the argument. No apologies, no explanations.

They would just bury it away.

Their first real fight had been two years after they met – which, in it itself, was a massive proof of how little they used to disagree with each other.

Harry had been drunk after a night out with his frat brothers, and he had called Louis to pick him up and bring him home.

He’d sounded sad and upset, so Louis hadn’t thought twice before jumping into his car. When he had arrived at the club, Harry was sat on the pavements, glaring holes into the ground, obviously not conscious of the noise surrounding him.

“C’mon, tiger, let’s get you home,” Louis had murmured, and he’d pulled Harry in the car, worried by the catatonic state of his friend.

They hadn’t talked a lot during the ride, except for little things like ‘can you turn on the AC?’ or ‘I don’t like this song, just turn it off’. The air had been tense, and Louis had noticed how Harry would purposefully avoid looking at him, choosing to chew on his fingernails instead.

Once they were home – Louis had brought him back to his own apartment, so he could take care of him – Harry had gone straight to Louis’s bed and buried himself under the cover, grumbling something about being hungry.

Sighing, Louis had obliged and made him a quick turkey sandwich, with extra mustard and, God help this boy, a generous layer of strawberry jam.

Freak.

“So.”

Harry had grunted in response.

“What happened tonight? You usually don’t drink during school weeks,” Louis had tried, carefully sitting down next to him on the bed.

“John cheated on me,” Harry had mumbled under the covers, and Louis had felt really bad when the news didn’t even make him raise an eyebrow.

“Again,” he’d stated.

Harry hadn’t answered. He’d sat up and taken the sandwich from Louis, going in tongue first as he usually did.

“Well at least now you’ve learned your lesson,” Louis had continued, reaching out to play idly with Harry’s hair; they were long enough that they’d curled up behind his ears, then.

“I don’t know,” Harry had answered around a mouthful, chewing slowly. “We talked on the phone before you arrived and he said some stuff-”

At that, Louis’s hand had frozen into Harry hair.

“I don’t care, Harry, you can’t go back to him again.”

Harry had frowned, shaking Louis’s hand away and he’d swallowed his last bite of food with a scowl.

“What because you told me to? We had a very serious talk earlier, okay, you don’t know him like I do.”

Harry had sounded – and had looked – actually angry at Louis, and that had thrown him off his feet a little, because hello, Louis wasn’t the cheating bastard in the story.

“Okay, maybe I don’t know him, maybe I don’t have all the deets on how big his dick is, but I still know he’s a asshole who’s cheated on you twice now,” Louis had protested, standing up to face a angry, red-faced, still drunk Harry. 

“Shut up Louis, I love him!”

Louis had to laugh at that statement, shaking his head. Harry had scowled again.

“You don’t love him, Harry, you really don’t.”

He had hesitated. But then he’d said it anyway.

“You just hate not being in a relationship because you don’t like not having someone’s attention on you all the time.”

Harry had stepped forward then, so fast and so abruptly that Louis hadn’t had time to move, and soon he had been faced with Harry’s tall figure looming over him. He could almost feel Harry’s warm breath with how hard he was breathing.

“Just because you don’t like having someone to be with doesn’t mean we should all throw our opportunities away.”

“This is so not about that, Harry,” Louis had screamed, throwing his arms in the air with exasperation, “the guy cheated on you! Even if you do love him, he clearly doesn’t, so why would you want to be with him knowing that-”

“He had a reason, okay, he told me on the phone, he-”

“For fuck’s sake Harry, can you hear yourself right now?”

They had both stopped as the silence that followed had highlighted the amount of yelling that was going on between them. Harry had let out a harsh breath and turned away, his broad back facing Louis.

“I don’t need you going all judgmental on me right now,” he had whispered. “I need your support.”

Louis had shaken his head, sad and incredibly disappointed.

“You’re drunk, H, I can’t do this with you right now,” he’d said, letting his arms fall along his side, defeated. “You should get some sleep. I’ll stay over at Oli’s.”

“Louis,” Harry had tried, but there was still a hint of irritation in his voice and Louis had shaken his head again, because no, he definitely couldn’t do it.

“Just. Don’t forget to lock the door when you leave tomorrow. Text me when you decide to stop acting like a child.”

\--

When Louis got out of work two weeks after he and Harry had the fight outside of the restaurant, it was weirdly chilly and there was a very recognizable smell of rain in the air. Groaning, he shoved his bag in his car and headed home to get ready for the party he was invited to tonight.

At first, it was supposed to be Steve’s birthday party, but James had gotten a promotion a few days prior so they’d decided to make it a double-themed party, half ‘I’m turning thirty and I hate it’, and half ‘I’m turning into a real sugar daddy and my husband loves it’.

Louis was actually the one who came up with the name, and he was pretty proud of it. He loved being the funny one – even though all of his friends insisted he absolutely was not.

When he finally got to the couple’s apartment, the party was already going strong. Their spacious apartment was filled with the sound of people talking, of glasses clinking and of what Louis suspected to be the new Liam Payne tune. God, Louis hated that guy’s music.

He immediately went for the table where a passive bowl of cocktail was and poured himself a drink, eying up the place with an appreciative nod, feeling pretty smug about his choice of outfit – a dark blue suit with a black shirt underneath. Despite both being in their thirties, Steve and James were definitely the trendiest persons Louis knew, and their parties were always a blast.

He remembered that one time where Cara Delevigne and Greg fucking James had come to a baby shower they’d thrown for Steve’s cousin. Louis had ended up making out with Greg on the terrace for like, half an hour.

“Lou!”

Louis turned to see Steve’s arms reaching out for him just in time before he was pulled into a tight hug. Steve was a big guy, even bigger than Harry, and with his thick beard and kind eyes, he definitely looked like a very huggable bear – so Louis eagerly squeezed him back.

“Happy birthday, bud,” he laughed into his friend’s ear.

“I want a hug too, all he’s done is get older, I got a fucking promotion,” Louis heard James yell in the back, and both him and Steve parted with a happy laugh.

“Congratulations are indeed in order,” a voice rose behind them and Louis wished he hadn’t froze at that, except he did because that was Harry’s voice, and he hadn’t heard that voice in two weeks now.

The three of them turned to look at him, and while Steve and James immediately jumped to hug Harry, Louis stayed where he was, downing his cocktail and shakily putting his glass back on the table.

Harry was wearing blue jeans and a beige turtleneck with a brown jacket thrown over his shoulders, and he smiled extra big while handing Steve and James their gift – which was the same wine Louis had brought himself.

Louis swallowed with difficulty. Because that smile made Harry’s notorious dimples appear like two motherfucking sunbeams shooting out of his face, and Louis was still angry at him, so was really not the time to drool over him.

Also, Harry was wearing his glasses.

Fuck. Louis wasn’t nearly drunk enough for this.

Harry, however, apparently was, because he walked up straight to him and uttered in a hushed tone, “Can we talk?”

Louis coughed and uneasily glanced around, a bit thrown off by Harry’s unwavering stare.

“I don’t know if it’s a good idea, Steve and James-”

“- are really happy to lend you their room so you guys can talk your shit out and end whatever stupid thing you guys have going on since that weird lunch,” James cut him off, and even though it made Louis want to punch him in the face, he was kind of relieved by the interruption because it made Harry turn his creepy gaze away.

“Thanks guys,” Harry said as if he was the only one who had a say in this, and Louis really wanted to protest, he did, but then he was being dragged away from the entrance towards the stairs of the duplex, and he found himself falling completely silent as Harry led them into Steve and James’s bedroom, closing the door shut behind them.

Louis instantly walked up to the bay window, figuring that he would definitely feel more comfortable having this talk watching the city’s skyline from afar instead of Harry’s stupidly handsome face.

“Louis.”

It was dark outside, they didn’t switch the lights of bedroom on, and there was no light coming from the moon, so the stars in the sky were especially bright. Watching them, Louis crossed his arms around his stomach, a shiver running down his back because of wind coming through the cracked open window.

He heard Harry sigh before his long arm reach over Louis’s shoulder to shut the window. Louis’s breath caught in his throat.

“Louis, look at me. Please.”

His voice was so much lower now, like the distant rumbling of thunder, but there was a certain edge of something else. Something Louis couldn’t quite put his finger on. Swallowing, he slowly turned around.

He refused to lift his head, so his eyes fell on Harry’s leather boots, and he couldn’t help but snort. He hated those boots, Harry himself hated those boots, they’d had countless of discussions on how they should give up on them and give them to Goodwill or something, and here was Harry, wearing them at his best friends’ sophisticated party as if it would look cool.

Lifting his head and finally meeting Harry’s bright green eyes, Louis said, “Don’t you have any other shoes? Like, these literally look like crocodiles, I don’t even know why you would-”

And then.

Then he could finish his sentence. Then, there was a big hand coming to rest on the window above his shoulder, backing him up against it, and there was an even bigger arm sneaking around his waist, now pulling him closer, and then there were lips.

Wet, plump, smooth lips. Cold lips. Strawberry flavored lips.

Harry’s lips. Against his.

Louis reckoned he must have blinked three times before the information truly sunk in, and that’s when he gasped, when he realized his best friend of nearly a decade was currently kissing him up a bay window.

But Harry must have taken it as an invitation because the second Louis’s lips parted into a gasp, Harry slipped his tongue inside Louis’s mouth and groaned.

He literally, fucking groaned.

After that, Louis doesn’t really know what happened in exactly what order. He just closed his eyes and moaned too, and he kissed back. He kissed back with everything he had, his hands running through Harry’s perfectly styled hair, messing it all up, pulling and scratching and biting.

Louis’s body was on fire, his heart had never beaten this fast before, there were fireworks behind his eyes and he felt dizzy, dizzy, dizzy. He moaned again when Harry bit his lips, and once again, their tongues met in the most erotic battle Louis had ever experience in his life.

Harry kissed like a starved man, like he could never get enough of this, of Louis, of the taste of his mouth, he kissed as if he was going to die the next day, and Louis kissed back with the passion as if to tell him that if Harry died, he would do everything to bring him back and kiss him again.

Their hands were everywhere, pulling at each other’s hair and scratching the back of each other’s necks, on their waist and on their bums, and then Harry’s began to fumble with the button on Louis’s shirt and.

Fuck.

They were both so, so hard. Louis could feel the line of Harry’s cock through their pants, and his own dick hurt so bad he was surprised he didn’t realize its state sooner. 

“Harry,” he breathed out with a shaky voice against the strawberry lips.

“Baby,” Harry answered just as quaveringly, and Louis whimpered.

Their lips met again- no they clashed, and they both moaned so loud that the vibrations made Louis’s throat ache. He pushed his hips forward and Harry’s fingers left his shirt to hurriedly try and pull on his belt. 

Louis was about to do the same, when suddenly, there was a knock.

All the blood in his body went cold, and Louis froze. Harry didn’t stop kissing him though, too preoccupied by his pants, so Louis pulled away and rested his head on the bay window, eyes and ears alert.

“H,” he whispered.

He was only met with a short ‘mmh’, and then Harry’s mouth was attached to his neck, making him moan involuntarily.

“Everything okay in there, guys?”

This time, both he and Harry jumped and they pulled away from each other as if they were each respectively made of ice and fire.

“A-all good, James,” Harry stuttered, “just talking.”

His cheeks were crimson red and he was panting, but his eyes were still dark and Louis couldn’t look away if he tried.

“Alright, don’t stay up here all night though, you’re missing out on the party,” James’s voice came again trough the door, a bit more faintly as he was walking away.

They both let out a shaky breath. The silence surrounding them was heavier than anything Louis had ever had to live through – and he was a French teacher in high school, for God’s sake. Uncomfortable silence was his area of expertise.

But then Harry chuckled, ran a hand through his hair and invaded Louis space again, and.

Louis blinked.

He pushed Harry away.

“Wh-” Harry started, stumbling back.

Louis blushed furiously as he shamefully tucked his erection away and buckled his belt back on, breaking the eye contact.

“We shouldn’t have done that,” he mumbled, heart beating so fast it was making his ears ring. 

“Louis,” Harry tried again when he reached for the doorknob.

“Don’t- I’ll see you downstairs, Harry.” 

And then he left. 

\-- 

When Harry had gotten his job at his current architecture firm, Louis had taken him out dancing. 

It was a Thursday night, he remembered, and they’d started the night with shots at the bar, something Louis later on realized had been a terrible idea. But at the time, they’d felt adventurous, and happy, and they wanted to have fun and celebrate Harry finally fulfilling his dream.

Harry had just check out of his temporary job as a secretary in a shit office when he had received the call from the new firm, and he had immediately called Louis to tell him. Louis had picked him up and from there, they’d gone to the movies, had dinner, and then Louis had drove them to their favorite club in the neighborhood.

“To Harry, my very smart, very talented, very hot best friend, who’s going to draw the plans for the most handsome building in town,” Louis had slurred around his drink later that night, leaning on Harry’s arm. 

Harry had giggled. 

“Buildings can’t be handsome, you dumb fuck.” 

“In my world, they are,” Louis had retorted with a haughty voice, but then they had both burst into laughter, drunk on vodka and on life and on each other. 

“So what’s my congratulation gift gonna be,” Harry had then asked, leaning even closer and booping at Louis’s nose with a smirk.

Louis had scoffed, playfully slapping Harry on the chest.

“I literally took you out to dinner less than two hours ago and now I’m paying for all of your drinks, Harold.”

Harry had rolled his eyes and his hands had come to tickle Louis’s sides.

“Yeah, I know, but you already do that anyway. What’s my real gift?”

There had been a glint in his eyes, and thinking back at it now, Louis realized that if he hadn’t been so drunk, he’d have recognized the signs and ran away.

“I’ll dance for you,” he had said instead.

And he had. He’d gone to the dance floor while Harry had ordered another glass of vodka and he had danced, his eyes never leaving Harry’s.

He had ran his hands along his own chest, he had pulled and his hair and had swayed his hips, he had let a tall guy come up behind and he wanted to slap himself now, as he remembered how he had been grinding his ass against the guy’s crotch while his eyes had never left Harry’s.

Harry’s stare had been burning holes through that guy’s skull, Louis was sure of it, because if Harry had first watched intensely while he danced alone, he'd also been full on glaring ever since Louis had found a partner.

He had slammed his glass on the bar and stood up, making his way up to Louis with a blank yet terrifying face. He had snuck an arm around Louis’s middle, pulling him away from the guy, and still holding off Louis’s gaze, he had said, “He’s with me. 

And then they had kissed. For the first time.

Louis didn’t remember who was the one to lean in first, but there they had been, making out in the middle of the dance floor, sloppily and laughing in each other’s mouth because they had been so, so drunk.

When the cab they 'd shared had dropped Harry off at his place, later that night, Harry had leant in again and pecked him softly on the lips, rubbing their noses together.

“Thank you for tonight, baby,” and Louis’s heart had melted like butter did on a warm toast.

Now, five years later, Louis was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling of his small apartment, wondering why he hadn’t said anything. 

Why, when they had seen each other two days later, he hadn’t kissed Harry and had gone instead for platonic, one-armed hug? Why hadn’t he kissed him? Why had he decided to act as if nothing ever happened?

Why had he run away?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So!!!! This is the first part a 2 chapters fic (the last one will probably be the epilogue); I'll try and update as soon as I can, but if some of you followed me while i was updating my last fic- ya know how that usually goes.
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed it, please let me know in the comments what you thought of it - readers telling me how my work made them feel is my energy juice <3
> 
> Love you x


	2. you flower, you feast

When Louis woke the day after Steve and James’s party, it was with the biggest headache in the history of his hangovers. He barely opened his eyes before shutting them close again, screaming internally because of, a) the pain, and b) the memories of the fucking circus show he has been caught in the night before.

Jesus Christ.

How the fuck did he even get back home? He remembered the drinking, because God knows there was a lot of that, and then he remembered locking himself in the toilet to cry when Harry had left without saying goodbye, and then he remembered drinking some more.

Maybe Steve had put him in an Uber or something. Whatever, he wasn’t strong enough to make his brain work so hard when his head still was stuck in his own ass.

Rolling onto his stomach, he reached for his phone on the nightstand and groaned upon seeing three missed calls from Harry, as well as a long string of WhatsApp notifications he wasn’t awake enough to decipher.

He vaguely noticed a message from Jake being at the top of all of them, but when he squinted to read what it said, Harry’s name flashed again on the screen, signaling an incoming call.

Louis groaned louder. He really wasn’t awake enough for this.

This whole situation was a mess. What happened last night was a complete mess. He was kind of mad at Harry for kissing him first, but hell if he wasn’t furious at himself for just giving in to it so easily.

Then again, he’d always been easy for Harry.

Not the point. No, the point, here, was that both he and Harry were to blame, and as much as he hated admitting it, the only way to get out of this hellish situation was to _talk_.

They were both grown adults here, at least that’s he’d like to think, so now that Harry was acting as such and doing well by calling him, Louis was gonna do well and answer, so they could fix this, whatever it was.

“Hey,” he mumbled.

There was a relieved sigh on the other end, and Louis couldn’t help but smile. Maybe he decided to drown his angst into alcohol last night to try and forget about everything, but Harry didn’t drink, and he probably must have felt horrible during the whole night.

“Louis, hi. How are you, babe? Sleep well?”

Harry’s voice appeared as casual and clean, but Louis knew it too well not to notice the slight quavering hiding being the consonants. He did use to help Harry practicing for his oral exams during his finals; he knew what nervous Harry sounded like.

“Yeah, great. Bit of a headache, but…,” Louis said, sitting up and frowning at his naked state.

He hated falling asleep without at least pants on. Damn, he must’ve been really plastered getting home last night.

“Can I-,” Harry started, “Do you think I could stop by? I’ve bought breakfast,” he added.

Louis smiled, sticking the phone between his ear and his elbow and hastily putting on a pair of joggings.

“Yeah, sure. I’ll make some tea.”

“Nah, I bought that too, and anyway, I’m already in your staircase so, don’t bother,” Harry admitted with a chuckle, and Louis had to roll his eyes.

Hanging up, he got out of his room, switching off the light in the corridor that he probably had forgotten before going to bed.

This was going to go great. Harry and he had been in this situation before.

Except - it wasn’t really, if he was to be honest. They’d never fought about kissing before, and even if they had, their only making out session ever hadn’t been when neither of them were in a relationship, or in this specific case, engaged.

No, back then, they had been good at ignoring the kiss completely, and soon they were friends again and everything had been fine.

So that was how they were going to be after this talk.

Fine.

Louis was heading for the bathroom to wash his face when he heard the sound of the front door closing, so he went directly for the living room to greet Harry instead.

He was wearing his gym clothes, had a beanie on, and of course, he was sipping on that God awful green juice he kept telling Louis about.

They exchanged a shy smile and even though things were a bit awkward, Louis thought, fuck it, and went in for a hug anyway. Harry’s sweat smelled oddly like watermelon and Louis immediately felt like dragging Harry to bed and crawling into those big arms and never leaving.

“Hi,” he murmured in Harry’s chest.

Harry squeezed him back with a laugh, and when they pulled back, he lifted the bag he had in hand with a grin.

There was still a trace of uncertainty behind his eyes though, and Louis could not blame him for that at all.

“I brought croissants and cranberry tea,” Harry offered.

Louis took the bag and sat on the couch, pulling the food out on the coffee table as Harry shrugged off his coat and sat beside him.

“I’m glad you came,” Louis said after a few bites of croissant, finally looking up to meet Harry’s eyes.

“Yeah, me too, I hate it when we fight,” Harry rushed to say, reaching over to grab Louis hand but apparently changing his mind last minute and taking his cup of tea instead.

So. Harry wanted this to be about their fight, then. Louis wasn’t sure he was ready to let the more important matter at hand slide, though. Not this time.

“Listen, H,” he sighed, putting his croissant down and wiping his mouth, “we did have a fight and we’ll have to talk about it, but I think we should deal with what happened last night first.”

At that, Harry’s face turned into a red mess, making Louis realize the bluntness of his assessment, and he started furiously blushing too _. God dammit, Tomlinson, haven’t you heard of easing into things? Maybe finish the bloody croissant first, next time._

Harry babbled some things about being sorry, and then he took big gulps of tea to try and gain countenance, except if was probably too hot because he choked, spilled most of it on his sweats, and yelped.

Louis couldn’t help but let out a chuckle as he stood up to grab a tissue, handing it to a mortified Harry.

“Look,” he said while Harry was pretending that the little tissue was any help in drying his ruined pants, “I know it’s gonna be awkward, but we need to acknowledge it. The last time this happened, we pretended like it never did and now look at where we are.”

Harry pressed his lips together but nodded, looking down.

“I’m sorry I kissed you,” he mumbled.

Louis scoffed.

“You don’t have to apologies, Harry, it’s okay, I kissed you back. I need to know why you did it, though” he tried, leaning a little to try and see more of Harry’s face.

It was blank, as usual, kinda hard to read if it weren’t for its unusual shade of pink and the slight frown on his forehead.

“I don’t know,” Harry said, his voice so low that Louis was grateful all the walls in his apartment was soundproof and the noise from outside wasn’t covering the words. “We hadn’t fought in a long time. I had no excuse for the way I behaved, and I wanted to be close to you, I guess. It didn’t mean anything.”

Louis swallowed. Well.

“Seems like you _do_ know, then,” he tried to joke.

That was good. This was what was supposed to happen. It didn’t mean anything, and now it had been voiced, they could go back to being like before.

_Fine_.

But the truth was, of course, that he’d wanted Harry to say something else. To say that he kissed Louis because he couldn’t hide his feelings anymore, that he had actually broken up with Amara and he’d known all along that it was Louis, it had always been Louis, and it would always be Louis. That he was done leaving in a lie.

But apparently, turned out that Louis had been the only one lying to himself this whole time.

“I’m sorry for taking advantage like that, and I’m sorry for being a dick to your boyfriend before. I have no excuse for that one, just trash explanations about how I felt like you were hiding things from me, and. I was just a massive dick, Louis, I’m so sorry,” Harry continued, and Louis almost felt sick, like he was going to actually vomit all over himself, because of how easily the words were falling out of Harry’s mouth, how _not_ rehearsed and completely, hurtfully true it all felt.

“It’s okay,” he murmured, looking down at his empty cup, the only thing staring back at him being the muddy texture of the tea leaves floating at the bottom. “Sorry for not telling you about him either. But he’s not my boyfriend, really, we’re just hanging out…,” he added with an uneasy chuckle, and it sounded fake to his own ears because yeah, maybe what him and Jake had was just casual fun, but it was clear that they were seeing each other with the purpose of more.

Also, all the dates they’d been on had not ended in sex just for the sake of it.

Harry mimicked his laugh and took a sip of his own tea.

A door in the hallway behind them slammed shut.

They both jumped, the rest of Harry’s tea sloshing out of his cup and staining his jogging pants even more. They both ignored it as they stared at the silhouette that was looming in the threshold as it walked towards them, the light coming from Louis’s room’s open door behind it making it hard to see who it was.

_Hard for Harry, probably_ , Louis thought as a tight knot was starting to form in his throat. Hard to know who it was for Harry, but not for him.

No, not for him, because he knew that body.

Flashes started to appear in his mind, flashes showing how that body had been here the night before to pick him up from Steve and James’s party because he was too drunk and Harry had left and he was sad, and how that body had carried him home, and how the cock attached to that body had been in his mouth and how the arms of that body had tucked him to bed after that.

He remembered, now.

“Hi,” Jake mumbled with an easy smile, a towel wrapped around his hips, his wet hair dripping on his broad shoulders. “Sorry I used the shower without asking, but you were asleep,” he added, only looking at Louis.

_Fucking_ soundproof walls.

“That’s alright,” Louis said in a tiny voice, barely audible, and Jake grinned.

“Nice to see you Harry,” he threw out with a wink, and then he left in the direction of Louis’s room, probably to get dressed, and slammed the door shut.

After that, there was a very uncomfortable silence echoing all around them.

Louis didn’t know what to do, if he was supposed to speak, or what he should say if he did speak, and he wasn’t exactly sure of how much he remembered from last night but he felt awful about it and he wanted to apologize but also? Why should he? Harry said it himself. It didn’t mean anything, right?

He risked a glance at Harry, but he was only met with a blank face and pursed lips sipping around the cup for the nothing was left of his tea. His eyes, though, and Louis knew them better than anyone not to see it immediately, were the coldest he’d ever seen them.

He wanted to scream, to throw things around and break them, hoping that the shattering noises would break that thing that was starting to feel smothering, that thing that was so stifling that it was almost like their relationship was crumbling down in front of his eyes.

“I’m gonna go,” Harry finally said, and he stood up, not even looking at Louis.

“You sure? Maybe we could go for a walk, or-”, Louis said hurriedly, standing up and following him to the door, trying to keep up with Harry’s hectic pace.

“I have to meet with Amara in half an hour, sorry,” Harry cut him off.

Louis nodded.

There was an awkward smile exchange, where neither reached the eyes, and last a loose, one-armed hug, and then, Harry was gone.

Harry was gone.

\--

The first time Louis had kissed a girl, he was twenty four. It was four years ago, and it felt both like a second and an eternity since it happened.

Her name was Candace, she worked with him at the fro-yo place. He’d had a crush on her for over two months before he’d worked up the courage to ask her out.

He remembered her long hair died in red and her black skin, her tall figure and her honking laugh and how she was obsessed with Korean boy bands. She used to wear bright colors and make her mascara match them.

She was probably the funniest, brightest, happiest person Louis had ever met.

For their first date, he had taken her to a fair where they hadn’t gone on any ride. They’d spent the entire afternoon sitting on a bench instead, eating cotton candy and other tooth rotting sweets, talking for hours and hours until it was pitch black and all the children had gone and couples had started to invade the space.

He had walked her back to her place and she had invited him in, and he’d told her he was nervous because he’d never been with a girl before. She’d said that it was perfectly fine, that she hadn’t been with a boy before either, and it was great if they could just kiss a little for while, maybe.

So they had, and to this day, Louis knew that he’d always cherish this memory for the rest of his life.

He and Candace had dated for six months. She had been the first girl he had sex with, and he remembered how different it had felt that first time, when he’d slid into her and how she had enveloped his dick more than tightened around it like a boy would, and how her tits had kept getting in the way when he wanted to lean down and kiss her, and how they’d laughed about it and about something else, and how they’d bumped heads throughout all of it.

Probably the best first time he’d ever had with anyone.

The rest of the relationship had been great too. They were great together, Louis remembered. They were great at work, great at hosting parties, great at helping each other with work interviews, great at pranking their friends, great at making each other laugh and come and swoon.

He remembered that one time when Candace bleached her hair white, and how she had cried for two hours in his arms because she’d thought it had ruined the kinky texture of her hair. The next day, he had gone to the mall and bought cheap hair die and died his own hair white to make her laugh, and she was so happy she’d rewarded him by tying his hands to the headboard and sitting on his face for one hour and twenty four minutes.

They were really great together.

There was only one thing that wasn’t perfect, only one thing that would always elicit a fight between them, only one thing was never solved and ended up being what made the relationship come crashing down.

It was a Friday night and they had been getting back from a party at Harry’s work place. They’d gone back to Louis’s and the entire ride home had been silent, the radio not even working to save them from the tension.

When they’d gotten into the bedroom, Louis, not able to handle more of Candace’s silent treatment, had snapped.

“So what, _he’s_ a dick to you and now you’re not talking to me? How does that make sense?”

It had to probably be the worst thing he could have started with.

“I didn’t want to go in the first place, Louis!” Candace had yelled at him, taking one shoe off.

“You didn’t _have_ to, okay, I didn’t force you,” Louis had said.

“This is our last night together before I go to Korea, you moron, of course I went, I wanted to be with you!”

Louis had pulled off his tie with a hiss.

“And he needed me to be with him, Candy! He’s my best friend, this was important-” he started saying with a harsh tone, but then Candace had bent down, taken her shoe and thrown it at him.

“No he didn’t! This was just some dumb office party, it wasn’t even to celebrate anything, he already knew everyone there, you know he didn’t need you be here for him!”

She had taken her dress off and crumpled it in her hands, and then she had fallen on her knees right in the middle of the room, one shoe off and the other on, half naked and sobbing silently.

“Jesus, Candy,” Louis had breathed, and he had walked up to her and knelt down besides her, wrapping his arms around her. “Don’t cry, love, please.”

“He needed you there so you wouldn’t be with me, and if you can’t realize that, this relationship is not going as well as I thought it was,” she murmured with a quiet, shaky voice, using her dress to wipe the tears off her face.

“Honey, don’t say stuff like that, we’re great, what are you saying,” Louis had whispered in her hair, kissing her softly and rocking her in his arms.

Candace had sniffled, and then, pushing him away a little, she had lifted her head to meet his eyes.

“I’m saying that your best friend is in love with you, that he’s not being passive about it, and if you keep letting him get away with it, I won’t stay to see what happens next.”

Louis had gaped at her, flabbergasted.

“Harry’s not in love me.”

Candace had snorted, and then she had pushed him away completely, standing up and leaving him sitting on his ass.

She had looked down at him, more tears rolling down her round cheeks.

“Whatever makes you sleep at night.”

\--

As expected, after the Jake incident, things with Harry did not go back to normal. They stopped calling each other at odd hours, or texting, or even sending each other out dated memes that Louis’s sister always made fun of because they were old and Harry and Louis were just losers trying to be cool. They did go for lunch twice, but it was with Steve and James and never just the two of them.

Things were not going back to normal.

It was just that… It just felt a bit icky is all, knowing that they were both silently agreeing to just _not talk about it_ anymore, even though they clearly hadn’t done it thoroughly enough the first time around.

What bugged Louis the most was that, even if Harry did his best to act cool and joke around when they met, he _was_ being weird.

Sure, he still hugged Louis hello, but it was superficial, the moment so fleeting Louis never even had the time to smell Harry’s watermelon scent. It was frustrating at best, and devastating truly.

Because he and Harry had always been physical. There was always a hug, a tickle, a hand on the knee under the table, always kisses on the forehead and wrapping my arm around your shoulders when we walk.

It was like Louis was under the worst kind of dry spell.

He opened the door to his apartment and switched the light on, hanging his coat and his keys.

As an attempt to solve this fucking mess of a situation, he had texted Harry earlier to invite him for a good old Best Friend Netflix Night, holding his breath until he got a text saying _yes_ , smiley face. And then he had proceeded to scream into a pillow for ten minutes because why the hell would Harry say yes?

Harry would be here soon so Louis had to start cooking now so he could take a shower before Harry arrived.

He washed his hands and was just starting to peal the potatoes when Harry let himself in. Louis heard him hang his own coat and keys, and then there was his pretty, grinning face at the kitchen door.

“Hey.”

He was wearing what he usually had on at work, a button down with black jeans, and what Louis knew were the dark loafers Charlie had given him for his birthday. The shirt was a dark purple and Louis smiled when he saw the matching nail polish on Harry’s hand.

That one had been _his_ birthday gift.

“What are you making, it smells good,” Harry hummed appreciatively, hopping on the counter behind Louis.

Louis snorted, rolling his eyes.

“I’m just cutting potatoes, it doesn’t smell like anything yet.”

“My bad,” Harry replied, and even though he couldn’t see him, Louis could hear that he had stolen a sprig of cilantro and was now happily munching on it.

_Freak_.

“Actually, would you mind helping me with that? Just do them julienne while I take care of the chicken,” Louis instructed, turning to put the knife in Harry’s already reached out hand, “I’m dying to take a shower, it’s been the worst day at school and I-”

Harry almost instantly cut him off. He dropped the knife on the counter and put his giant hands on Louis’s shoulder, turning him around and pushing him out of the kitchen.

“Go take a shower, I’ve got this.”

“But you were at work too…” Louis tried, though he wasn’t really putting much effort in his contestations.

“Go,” Harry insisted, “You stink anyway.”

“Asshole,” Louis threw over his shoulder with a smirk, and he knew Harry had the exact same on his face.

He took a nice, long shower, probably too hot for it to be good for his skin, but very enjoyable nonetheless. He got to try his new apple scented shampoo, which smelled phenomenal and, if he was honest with himself, way better than that vanilla stuff Harry had bought him and he had taken forever to finish.

He wasn’t feeling uneasy, per se, but knowing that he and Harry were gonna be alone for the first time in so long, for the first time since the mess that happened at the party, he knew the night was not gonna go as smoothly as he was forcing himself to believe.

Harry was already in front of the TV when he got back to the living room, and Louis groaned when he heard the distinctive voices coming from the speakers.

“Harry,” he whined. “Not again.”

“ _Yes_ , again,” Harry said with a shit eating grin that Louis wanted to slap out of his face. “Here, take a seat, the food is ready but we should wait before eating, it’s a bit hot.”

Louis stared at him hesitantly. Okay, so what was he supposed to do now? If things hadn’t been weird, he would have gone for his usual seat without a beat. Now that Harry was acting like touching Louis was the greatest offence in the country, sprawling himself on the middle of the couch and all over Harry was probably not a good idea.

“Louis?”

Louis cleared his throat and smiled uneasily at Harry’s expectant face. His heart was racing when he finally decided on flopping on the other side of the couch, bringing his feet up and clearly avoiding Harry’s stare the whole time.

“What are you doing,” Harry asked nonetheless.

_Really?_ Louis scoffed inside at Harry’s nerve. He was the one who had been weird about the touching first! Louis was simply trying to make things easier, and here Harry was, calling him out as if this was out of the blue?

What a prick.

“I just showered, I don’t wanna get your nasty work clothes all over me,” he joked, and Harry squinted, still looking at him like he was an alien.

“Do you want me to go change?”

If Louis could scream, he absolutely would have. _Why_? Why was Harry being so voluntarily oblivious? What was going on in this kid’s brain to be acting as if he wasn’t the one who’d been putting so much distance between the two of them?

“Are you being serious right now?” Louis said, irritated.

Harry blinked.

“You can’t possible act like things are normal. You can’t sit here and look at me like I’m being crazy and like you haven’t been a jerk, okay? This is not something I can deal with,” Louis said hurriedly, sitting up a little to shake a finger at Harry, who was still looking at him dumbfounded from the other end of the couch.

Louis knew that he was suddenly acting drily and snapping at Harry after having been completely calm since he arrived, but it was like he was going to explode if he didn’t let this out.

He exhaled loudly and spoke again, even more strongly.

“I’ve been going mad because of this thing between us, I just can’t figure it out and you’re not helping with your mood swings.”

“ _My_ mood swings?” Harry finally moved and said angrily, sitting up as well, “when I came here to talk about what happened, you were looking at me like you wanted to suck my dick, and the next second, fucking Jacob came out of-”

“ _To talk about what happened_?” Louis yelled, “You gotta be shitting me! You were gonna avoid the whole thing if I hadn’t brought it up, don’t turn this against me.”

“So why did you want to talk about it if you were just up from fucking your boyfriend, uh? Why couldn’t you _let it fucking go_ when you had the chance?” Harry’s voice was getting impossibly louder and he was definitively not happy with Louis’s way of seeing the situation.

Louis knew what the whole thing with Jake must have seemed like, that he probably looked like a slag, practically begging for Harry to confess his feelings all the while having another boy showering the aftermath of the sex they had the night before.

But Harry was acting like he was a _victim_ , like he wasn’t the one who said the kiss was a mistake, like he wasn’t the one who crushed Louis’s soul by saying _it didn’t mean anything_.

Louis shook his head and let his shoulders sag in defeat.

“It’s like, this thing between us - it’s so fragile, but also? I can’t seem to understand how to fucking break it, it’s there and it won’t go away, it’s like a wall of bricks but-”

Louis cut himself off, desperate to find more words, to explain, to describe how frantic he felt. He sighed with exasperation and was about to start talking again when Harry sprung to his feet.

Louis’s eyes widened, and he imperceptibly tried to move backward, in vain.

Harry was on him in seconds, crowding Louis against the couch, one arm holding him by the back of his neck and the other supporting his weight over Louis’s body.

Startled by Harry’s sudden move, Louis’s mouth stayed open, and Harry took it as an invitation to dive in with a groan and crash their mouth together.

Louis gasped and pushed him away, both of his hands coming to press against Harry’s torso.

“Harry-”

“You want to know how to _break the tension_?”

His grip tightened at the base of Louis neck and he leaned in again to harshly bite at Louis’s lips.

“I’ll fucking show you,” Harry growled, his eyes going dark.

Louis’s dick instantly got hard.

He knew that things were suddenly going too fast, taking into account the way the conversation had been going, but he couldn’t help it. He had Harry above him, panting and aroused and probably about to make him _come_ , _for fuck’s sake_ , this was really happening.

Louis brought his hand to Harry’s hair and pulled, bringing him down to kiss him more, and it was like breathing again, except it also felt like Louis was on fire and he could burn to death at any moment.

Harry felt like living and dying at the same time and Louis was afraid that the few kisses he got were already getting him addicted to it.

“Please,” he whimpered, so silently he thought that maybe Harry didn’t hear.

“Yeah,” Harry mumbled into his mouth. “ _Yes_.”

Then they were kissing again.

It was passionate, biting, and rougher than the kiss they had in Steve and James’s room. It was heated and charged with an energy that was so _raw_ that for a second, Louis thought he might faint from it.

“What do you want?” he panted, eyes rolling back in his head as Harry mouth started trailing kisses down his neck.

Harry sucked a marked against his throat, no being gentle about it, and Louis wanted to scream with how much right the pain felt against his skin.

“I want so much,” Harry mumbled, coming back up to trace Louis’s bottom lip with his tongue. “I want you close…”

Given the sexual tension building up around them, Harry’s words sounded almost tender, and Louis blushed.

“I- what else?” he breathed, feeling overwhelmed and a bit awkward because it was suddenly too difficult to breath.

Harry’s hand moved to his own pants and Louis watched him undoing them.

“I want you to… Can you suck my cock?”

Louis moaned, nodding eagerly. “Yeah, okay. I want that.”

“You do?” Harry said hoarsely, leaning to nose along Louis’s jaw. “Want to wrap those pretty lips around it and make me feel good?”

_Holy fucking shit_ , Louis thought, except maybe he said it out loud because it seemed like Harry was now holding back a smirk.

Louis felt teeth scratching his jaw and he shivered.

“Have at it, then,” Harry murmured, and he lifted himself until he was kneeling, straddling one of Louis’s leg, his thick thigh teasing against Louis’s crotch.

His pants were already undone, and in one swift movement, Louis pulled them down, underwear going with it.

Harry’s cock sprung free, incredibly hard after only a few kisses – but Louis wasn’t going to judge, given his own state. He stared at what was in front of him, a long, slightly curved, thick cock with apparent veins, red with arousal, a shiny pearl of precome decorating the head.

His mouth watered.

“Should I wear a condom,” Harry whispered, meeting Louis’s eyes with a frown.

Louis shrugged, swallowing.

“I don’t have cuts,” he said with a voice that sounded small to his own ears, “and ’m clean. Are you?”

Harry nodded and Louis felt his cheek redden, without really knowing why. He’d never sucked anyone without a condom on. The only time he had sex without a condom on, he was fifteen and it was his first time rubbing his cock against someone else’s. Even with Candy, he realized as Harry’s eyes were starting to get darker and darker, they never did it without protection.

Louis shuddered. Deep down, he kind of knew Harry was gonna be his first, one way or another.

“Go on,” Harry said, voice even and almost bored.

His hand came at the back of Louis’s neck pushing down gently but firmly, and fuck, fuck, _fuck_.

Louis didn’t know whether Harry was acting like this because he had known Louis for so long he just knew what got him off – something that made Louis want to let him have _everything_ because that was so considerate - or if Harry just had a natural talent for being dominant in bed - which made Louis want to gag on his cock forever because that would be some really freakish soul mate shit.

“I said,” Harry’s low voice made him zone back in, “ _go on_.”

In a swift move, he pushed Louis’s head all the way until it reached the level of his crotch, and with his other hand, he took his cock and held it in front of Louis.

“Your eyes are wet,” he murmured, rubbing the tip against Louis’s lips. “You want this so bad, don’t you?”

Louis’s throat made a sound, maybe it was a gargle, or something just as unsexy, but Harry seemed to find it somehow hot, because his cock twitched against Louis’s lips.

Louis opened his mouth and let it slide against his tongue, eyes closing shut on their own.

Harry’s cock, just like the rest of his body, tasted like watermelon. Louis thought he was going insane for it, but God, he wanted to have it in his mouth for the rest of his life.

“You’re loving it,” Harry stated in amazement, watching as Louis’s head started bobbing up and down.

Louis moaned, and Harry’s grip on the back of his neck tightened.

“You have no idea how long I’ve been dreaming about this,” Harry said in a breath, and Louis almost smiled in satisfaction knowing that his nonchalant behavior was starting to flake. “Every time I see you it’s just _there_ , at the back of mind, how pretty you would look with my cock in your mouth, _fuck_ \- it all seems so bland now that I’m having the real thing.”

Louis pulled up with popping sounds, breathless, tears pooling around his eyes.

“You talk too much,” he said with a voice so broken he sounded obscene to his own ears.

“You fucking love it,” Harry rumbled before tangling his fingers in Louis’s hair and bringing him up.

Louis wanted to make a comment about how Harry sure was acting like he knew a lot about what Louis loved and didn’t love, but Harry’s hungry mouth swallowed his words.

“Do you want to fuck?” Louis mumbled into the kiss, making Harry choke with the sudden bluntness of the question.

“Yeah, definitely, yes,” he answered quickly.

They kissed some more as Harry laid Louis against the couch, lying on top of him but using his arms not to crush him.

“Do you want to be on top?” he whispered, fingers curling around the hem of Louis’s shirt and tugging it up.

Not being able to help himself, Louis burst out into giggles. Harry frowned, looking down on him.

“What?”

“I just,” Louis laughed against his palm, “I never thought you’d _ask_ if I wanted to top, I always imagined you’d just do however you wanted.”

Harry rolled his eyes and leaned in to steal a kiss from Louis’s smiling lips.

“I’m not asking you if you want to top, I know you _don’t_ top,” he said sternly, and the fact that Harry just knew made Louis want to bite into something, “I’m asking if you want to ride me. But since you’re being a brat, I’m gonna do it _however I want.”_

At that, he grabbed Louis’s hip and flipped him over, making him land on his belly.

Louis yelped, scrambling up on his hands and knees just in time for Harry to yank his pants down. A harsh smack came against his left cheek, earning him another yelp. Harry chuckled and a second later, wet and cold lips landed a kiss right where Harry had spanked him.

“Do you have stuff in here?” Harry asked again his skin.

Louis couldn’t see him, but he could hear the sound of his pants falling on the floor.

“Yeah, it’s in the TV cabinet,” he answered, trying not to smile so hard.

Harry kissed his cheek again standing up to go search for the lube and, surprisingly, the condoms.

“Don’t wanna make a mess,” Harry mumbled when Louis gave a confused frown.

So.

This was happening. He just had Harry’s cock in his mouth. Harry _talked dirty_ to him. Harry was going to _fuck_ him.

After almost ten years of pinning and suffering, Louis was finally going to _get it_.

A few moments later, he heard Harry come back behind him, his heartbeat reasoning in his ears.

“Alright?” Harry asked softly.

“Yes,” Louis answered just as lowly.

Harry poured some lube against his hole before rubbing it with his thumb, the other hand drawing circles on Louis’s back.

“You’re really hot,” Harry said quietly against his ear.

“Just fuck me, Harry,” Louis pleaded, overwhelmed.

It was getting increasingly difficult to breathe, and a few minutes later, when he felt Harry’s tip run along his crack, Louis lost all trace of dignity and pushed his ass back with a moan.

When Harry pushed inside him, it was all at once, bottoming out in one swift move. Louis wasn’t sure who of Harry or himself made the loudest noise. He thought Harry was going to struggle getting it all in, with how thick he was, he thought it was gonna hurt or at least be a little uncomfortable, as butt sex usually was.

But it wasn’t. It felt warm, fulfilling and perfect, and like they fitted together like two pieces of a puzzle. Louis’s elbows were shaking and he knew damn well it wasn’t because of the weight he was putting on his arms.

“Fucking hell, Louis,” Harry panted behind him, his hand coming to grab onto Louis’s hips. “I’m not gonna last, I’m sorry, this is too much, I’m sorry,” he started to babble urgently a Louis felt his whole body shake.

Louis exhaled loudly and let a chuckle, blissed out.

“It’s okay,” he said with a satisfied sigh, closing his eyes and nestling himself closer to Harry, clenching around his cock. It seemed like he was in a haze, a beautiful, sex filled, watermelon scented haze. “You’ll last longer next time…”

Harry groaned at that.

And came.

\--

When they fell asleep later that night, it was after Harry had apologized for not having been able to fuck longer by sucking Louis’s cock until he came in his mouth.

If Louis hadn’t already known that he himself was the biggest cock sucking lover in town, he’d have guessed that the title was Harry’s, with how red his cheeks had gotten, how hard he had gripped on Louis’s thighs, how loud he had moaned when Louis’s come had hit the back of his throat.

Louis was sure that if Harry hadn’t just come inside him, he would have done it again just from having a cock in his mouth.

And who was Louis to judge? They definitely shared that.

\--

The next morning, when Louis woke up, he saw that Harry had bought breakfast before leaving for work. There was a note taped to his coffee, with a little heart drawn on it.

\--

They didn’t talk about it.

\--

He and Harry started texting back and forth after that. It was just innocent texts, about movies and books and people from college they’d met at the store. Just like before, it was effortless and smooth and Louis was so, so happy to have his best friend back to chat about superheroes and send shirtless pictures of Antoni Porowski.

They were also definitely flirting.

And like, okay. Louis’s already had Harry’s cock in his ass. He was supposed to be over the whole flutter in the belly when the person you love sends you a heart emoji and a bunch of x’s at the end of texts.

He was not supposed to whole ass squeak when Harry told him he’d look cute in Spider-Man tights, because then he got to thinking about Harry rubbing him through said pants while whispering sweet nothings into his ears.

But Harry didn’t initiate anything else. They hadn’t seen each other since they fucked, but it was mostly because of work, and Louis hadn’t been able to make it to their weekly lunch with the boys because of a problem with a student.

It’s not like he was expecting Harry to proposition him via texts with dumb straightforward shit like “wanna fuck”, but also? Some acknowledgement would’ve been nice.

After not enough thinking it through, Louis sent a text a few nights later, confused, frustrated and mostly horny.

**Louis: 21:45**

_so, abt last time_

**Harry: 21:52**

_Yes? x_

**Louis: 21:55**

_twas fun_

**Harry: 21:56**

_Definitely x_

Louis sighed shakily. Okay, now what? Harry was not ignoring it or playing dumb, which was nice, but it was clear that he wanted Louis to ask for it himself.

Louis wasn’t sure if that was making him angry or turned on.

**Louis: 22:05**

_wanna do it again sometime_

He hit send and threw his phone at the end of the bed. They he stood up starting jumping around in the room, creaming inside.

Scratch that.

Screaming outside.

What the fuck did he just do? What if Harry wasn’t seeing it like that, what if it was just a one time thing, something he needed to get out of his system, what if Louis had just made a complete fool of himself and ruined their friendship and-

_Ping_.

Louis stopped jumping.

The screaming grew louder though. Hands trembling, he reached out for his and unlocked it, already cringing.

**Harry: 22:08**

_Please xxx_

Louis gaped at the screen, confused and extremely scared that this was just a big, massive joke and Harry was gonna send another message saying “ha, gotcha”.

Harry did send an additional text, and Louis gasped as he saw that it was featuring an eggplant emoji with a question mark.

He groaned.

Then proceeded to send Harry a picture of his dick.

**Harry: 22:15**

_!!!! xxx_

\---

A few days later, when Louis came home from work, Harry was there. Louis didn’t even have the time to ask before he was thrown against the wall and kissed breathless.

Harry lifted him off the ground and brought him to bed, asking him about work in between kisses, and then he fucked him, Louis’s legs locked behind Harry’s back, and horrendous filth pouring out of Harry’s mouth.

Harry didn’t come quickly this time, but Louis definitely did, right when Harry told him to suck on his fingers with a low voice.

Harry made him come again later, with his mouth and his tongue.

After, they ate ice cream and fell asleep covered in sweat, come, and Ben & Jerry’s.

\--

The next morning, there was no breakfast, but Harry had drawn a little heart on the bathroom’s mirror.

\--

The third time they had sex, it was in Louis’s car.

He had gone to pick Harry up from his sister’s to go have dinner with James, and while he was driving, Harry had started to kiss his jaw.

Louis had no other choice but pulling over and dragging Harry in the backseat to suck his brain through his dick.

That third time was definitely a turning point, because that’s when Harry realized how much into the pain Louis really was.

\--

That night, Harry had sent a cheesy .gif of a bunny drawing a little heart on a car.

\--

They still didn’t talk about it.

\--

The first time Harry spanked him, it was as a punishment.

Louis had been horny all day and he couldn’t take it when Harry kept _not_ answering his call, so he left a very breathy, very risky voicemail, where he told Harry he was in the mood to be treated like a slut.

Harry was at his appartment two hours later and had him bent over his knee, crying and whimpering and coming twice.

At some point, Harry groaned, “What were you thinking? What if she’d been with me? What if she’d heard it?”

Louis wondered if that counted as talking about it.

\--

Before leaving, Harry sucked a mark shaped as a heart inside Louis’s thigh.

\--

It was a few weeks later, at lunch with James and Steve, that without Louis realizing it, things started to crumble down.

They were eating dholl puri at a Maurician restaurant when Harry’s phone rang.

“Sorry guys, have to get this,” he said with a smile, and his hand squeezed Louis under the table before he stood up.

“That’s probably Amara,” Steve mumbled over the table once Harry was out of earshot, “she’s been calling him constantly lately. They don’t fight like before, though, feels like they’re getting along nicely now,” he added with a shrug.

Louis’s throat tightened.

Amara. Yes. Of course.

“If you want my opinion, I think it’s because they know she’ll be away for a while,” James said slyly and Steve nodded.

“Yes probably,” Steve said. “Sometimes you just need to know that you’re not gonna always be together to realize fighting is just not worth it,” he added wisely.

“I’m sure they’ve been having a lot of sex to compensate, that’s why they don’t have time to fight,” James said with a smirk, which earned him a pinch on the arm.

“What do you mean, she’s going away?” Louis asked, trying to act cool although his blood was boiling inside his veins.

“Well you know,” Steve said, gesturing vaguely with his hands, “Amara’s going to China for ten days?”

Louis frowned. No he didn’t know; Harry had failed to mention it, which was incredibly weird, because technically, when your fiancée leaves town, you kind of want the guy you’ve been fucking for weeks to know about it? You know, for more fucking to happen?

But then again, he and Harry stopped talking about Amara from the second they started hooking up. Maybe Harry was just afraid to make the fact that he was cheating too real by inviting Louis over.

He shrugged at Steve and James’s questioning look.

“I forgot. When’s she leaving again?” he asked innocently.

“Tursday,” Steve said. “Was thinking of inviting you guys over for dinner to cheer him up after he drops her off at the airport?”

“Oh,” Louis interrupted him, “actually I think he’s got a work thing on Friday. Maybe this week end, though?”

“Yeah sure,” Steve said, and Louis smiled.

When Harry came back at their table, he slipped his hand back where it was resting on Louis’s thigh, and Louis felt a warm buzzing coursing through his veins.

\--

On Thursday night, Louis took a shower, packed a bag and went to Harry’s apartment.

He realized on his way there that what he was doing was very risky and probably all other kinds of wrong, but he hadn’t seen Harry for a few days, and even though they had texted constantly, he simply couldn’t wait to get his hand on him.

Also, if Harry could let himself in Louis’s place to give him surprise orgasm after work, so could Louis.

Especially now that Amara had gone to China to see her family. It was the best occasion to have Harry all to himself, and maybe, if Louis could work up the courage to do it after sex, talk about their situation.

When he got to Harry’s home, he went directly to the bedroom to change.

Louis liked to dress up during sex. Whether it was a dress or a suit, a furry outfit or just lingerie, he loved to make the other person turned on just by looking at him. He remembered one particular good time with Candy where he wore a maid’s outfit while she fucked him. That had been phenomenal.

Tonight, he had decided upon wearing Harry’s old football jacket from uni, and boxer shorts. Harry hadn’t actually played football during their time in college, but he had managed to convince the girl who was responsible for ordering them to have one for him too.

Louis sometimes wondered why it was so easy for Harry to get away with shit.

After Harry had dropped out of biology, though, he had given his jacket to Louis. Louis always saw it a grand gesture of love, and thus, tonight, when he was going to poor out all his feelings for Harry, he hoped that seeing the jacket would bring back memory of them being so close to being an item.

After putting the jacket on, he messed his hair up a bit and put on some shiny lip-gloss – because he knew how much Harry loved to see it smeared on his cock.

Then he sat on the bed and he waited, checking his phone and smiling as he realized that Amara’s plane had taken off an hour ago and Harry would be here any minute by now.

He was playing at some stupid game on his phone when he heard the front door opening. A smirk appeared on his as he started to get in the pause he had imagined to welcome Harry, but the expression froze on his face when he heard voices coming from the hallway.

“I’m just sad that I have to wait to see them,” Amara said not so far from the other side of the door.

Holy fucking hell. Mother fucker. Louis would have screamed if he wasn’t completely frozen on the bed, watching the door in horror, wondering what his family will think of him when they’ll learn that he died murdered by the fiancée of the man he was fucking.

“I know,” Harry replied, and the sound of his voice woke Louis up from his trance, springing him up on his feet and instinctively bringing him in the bedroom closet, where he shut himself inside. He could see the inside of the bedroom still, through the spaces in between the wooden bars of the closet door.

What a fucking cliché. The secret lover hidden in the closet as the wife gets home.

His breath caught in his throat when the door opened, Amara striding in the room with a sad frown.

“I mean, I get that it’s nobody’s fault if the plane had a problem, but I was so excited to go,” she mumbled, sitting on the bed right where Louis had been two minutes ago, half naked and ready to be pounded by her fiancé.

“I know, babe,” Harry said again, and Louis’s gaze turned toward him as he made his way into the bedroom too, already unbuttoning his shirt and shrugging it off his shoulder.

Louis would have taken the time to admire his beautiful torso if he hadn’t been in such a bitch of a situation.

“Hey, are you crying?” Harry asked suddenly, and yes, Louis realized with a blink, Amara was indeed sniffing in her hands, quietly, the only proof of it being her shaking shoulders.

“Honey,” Harry said again, making Louis cringe.

“I haven’t seen Liu in months, Harry, I was supposed to go shopping for the wedding dress with her, just can’t-”

“You’re okay, babe, it’s okay,” Harry said lowly as he went to sit next to her, hugging her against his chest. “We’ll just call the agency tomorrow, you’re gonna see her.”

“I hate it,” Amara sobbed, and when her hands fell down, going to hug Harry around his waist, Louis saw a face that he’d never thought he’d see one day.

With tears streaming down her face, nose red and puffy lips.

Vulnerable.

“Well at least, I have you to myself one more night,” Harry teased her with a pinch on her thigh.

Louis gulped as Amara snorted.

“Yeah,” she laughed, and she lifted her head from his shoulder to look at him, a sweet smile starting to appear on her face despite the tears.

Harry leaned in and kissed her.

“I love you,” he murmured against her lips, and it was so quiet in the room that Louis was afraid they would hear the sound that his heart made when it went from beating harshly to falling in his chest and exploding all over the walls of his stomach.

He definitely heard it.

Louis felt like he was in a book, where the main character sees something horrendous and has an out of body experience and sees themselves watching the thing. That’s what he forced himself to do, anyway, focusing on himself as he was incapable of looking away from the sight of Harry and Amara making out five feet away from him.

“I love you,” Louis distantly heard Amara say, and he closed his eyes in a useless attempt to ignore the way Harry affectionately tucked a lock of hair behind her ear.

“Go take a shower, I’ll make us something to eat,” Harry said in a soft voice. “We can play Uno after if you want,” he added teasingly, causing Amara to snort and bury her face in his chest.

“Leave me alone with that thing,” she mumbled, making Harry laugh in return.

Louis swallowed his throat dry. He’d never felt like such in intruder before, when it came to Harry and Amara. It was always her who looked like she felt left out and like a third wheel – as bad as it made him look, Louis admitted that he’d always made sure of that.

Except there, Louis was the one witnessing a sweet moment between the man he loved and the woman he was supposed to marry – and for the time in their relationship, Louis felt like the odd one out.

Harry and Amara were hugging, embracing each other, finding comfort in each other’s arms, and they were laughing at something Louis had no idea what it was about, sharing fucking inside jokes and kissing and being the most domestic Louis had ever seen Harry be.

Harry and Amara broke apart and after one more, lingering and terrible kiss, Harry left the room and Amara went in the bathroom.

Louis wanted to vomit until the next day.

He was the other guy. The side piece. He was Harry’s lover. The one Harry was fucking because he was scared of getting married, the one who had always been there waiting and pinning, and Harry knew it and Louis was _so_ fucking dumb, for God’s sake.

He slammed the closet door open and thanked God that none of them had seen his bag next to the bed, getting dressed as quickly as possible, his heart beating the fastest it ever had.

He was barely registering the things around him, paying just enough attention to the sounds in the bathroom so Amara wouldn’t accidentally barge in on his naked ass, and then he was out of the room, striding across the place towards the kitchen, where he could hear Harry hum to a Britney song.

Louis stopped at the door, Harry’s back facing him as he shuffled through the fridge. He was still shirtless, the extent of his skin stretching across his back muscles and his little ass shaking to the rhythm of _Womanizer_.

Louis felt such a huge amount of hate and guilt and plain and simple heartbreak that he couldn’t help but let a sob escape from his trembling lips.

Harry startled and turned around as Louis was covering his mouth to prevent more sounds from coming out, tears blocking his sight by the second.

“Louis, what are you-” Harry started, but Louis couldn’t, he simply couldn’t bear looking at him anymore.

He lifted the hand that was on his mouth in front of him, cutting Harry off.

“Fuck you,” Louis whispered with rage in a trembling hush.

And he turned on his heels and left the apartment, leaving his heart in the threshold of the kitchen, bleeding and at the mercy of the only person it had always belonged to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm SORRY okay, you can come and yell at me on [twitter](twitter.com/chafisaidso) and [tumblr](howtogatawaywithlouis.tumblr.com)

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr post](https://howtogetawaywithlouis.tumblr.com/post/184418786481/where-i-should-be-by-howtogetawaywithlouis-on) / [tweet](https://twitter.com/chafisaidso/status/1121145718243246080) / [my tumblr](https://howtogetawaywithlouis.tumblr.com)


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